Kimono You Didn’t

Being a parent is a thankless job. It’s not a bragging right, but an act of love.
So many become parents not for these reasons. It takes more than ‘being fruitful
and multiplying’ to be a mom or dad. Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly.
On account of this, the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotions and doubt for me.

 

 

It all started when I was lying in bed and thinking about food…yes food. I was daydreaming
of a spread of Jamaican dishes that I would love to shove down my face. Immediately I
thought of my dad. Him being a Jamaican, former cook, and newly retired I know he would
love nothing more than to shower his baby girl in island delectable. I then immediately
got sad because I know this is not a possibility. Me and my mom are not on speaking terms
(again) and the only way I can call my dad is by calling the house phone, which I refuse
because I am not trying to deal with her right now. Of course it may sound petty, but trust
me its for my own sanity.

Our latest battle of words ended in me spilling my hurt heart and guts and telling her that she was not a good mom as she thought she was. Honor thy father and mother, right? Well I honored her with the grace to tell her how she has short changed me on all the pivotal moments in my life. From missed honor club inductions, to working my ass off to get into college all by myself and barely batting an eye, the non-existent college care packages, the absence on my wedding day and prenatal appointments (in which I was high risk) and birth of my child. I could go on, but I think my point has been made. Anytime I attempted to bring it up ,I hear  ‘well you should get over it’. I am not. Provoke not your child to wrath, I say. Here I am, crying my eyes out wanting to be noticed, loved and supported and I’m told to ‘get over it’ ? The convo ends as it always  does  with her acting shocked and saying she has to go attend to her slow cooker, and I abruptly press the ‘End Call’ button before she can finish. This time it was different I think for the both of us, but certainly for me. Usually, I can expect a phone call in about 3 or 6 months acting like nothing has happened and I begrudgingly play along however this has become deeper than that for me.

Heading back down the journey of motherhood really has made me question a lot about myself and my abilities to parent two children, but also my dysfunctional relationship with my mom. Growing up in a house with 4 other brothers and sisters back then seemed like fun; the constant playmates, the older sibling protector, the cool big sister hand-me-downs and so forth.In that rose-colored haze of nostalgia , it is easy to forget the ‘always gotta work’, ‘get ready for revival after  school every night for a week and get home at 12am’, no you can’t play sports, no you can’t wear pants because of ‘religion’, no you – just NO to everything that didn’t include church being force-fed down our throats. You would think still managing to have an over 4.0 GPA , being accepted into college, working a job, being involved in extra curricular activities, and still trying to maintain a sense of identity through my forced wardrobe would make any parent proud. It doesn’t.

 

Taking a minute to back away from the venting to get into this fab look. Doesn’t my Kimono just scream Blanche Deveraux? Yes, yes it does. I look like I should not have to work or ever lift a finger*dreams in rich husband . I would imagine moms with nannies dress like this. Kimonos and dusters are finally a year round thing so Summer can just kiss it. My Lavender body strappy dress is a win from Fashion Nova, so much so I got it in olive as well. Still being in the early stage the pregnancy I still am not ‘bumping’ as much so I thought maybe a duster would help round my look out more since it just looks like I am getting out of shape. Now that I am barreling down stocking up on diapers in the coming months  I am shopping less, much less. My Sophia Webster heels were my final splurge *weeps in responsibility*. Keeping my look light ,as its too hot for anything else, I paired my look with my pastel purse and floral earrings.

 

*item images here*

 

I got to college so excited and overwhelmed to be away from home that I lost sight of why I was there not to mention the only calls I received were ‘are you coming home for church?’ My parents short-sighted lack of empathy and stress of paying for college among other things contributed to  my short lived collegiate career. Why did they not try to care? Why did they not try to understand? Why did they not push me? Hell, why did you not have a college savings when you know I wanted to go to college since middle school? Most importantly, why couldn’t you care enough?  All the why’s I thought of led me down a path of confusion and anger and still do. What’s the point of being fruitful and multiplying if you don’t nourish, support, and prepare ? I know I switched from my mom to both parents, but my frustration rings heavy with my mom. I have told my dad the same things and he has genuinely felt remorse and really didn’t understand a lot of what I went through due to his rural Jamaican upbringing; so he is forgiven for the most part.

 

Thinking of their short comings made me doubt whether I could handle being there for 2 kids of my own.It would crush me to have one of my kids say I made them feel they my mom has made me feel.The thought of falling short scares the shit out of me.I know I may not be there for everything, but I want to make sure I am there when it counts.I want to make sure I am listening to how my child feels whether verbally or non-verbally. I want to be able to give sound advice without quoting a scripture just to prove how close to God and am.I want teach my kids financial literacy and how to build wealth and credit early in life.To let them know college and student loans don’t have to be the only option,working for yourself is always a reality if you are shown how.Most importantly I don’t want my kids to struggle mentally feeling inadequate because I am too busy blogging or working to care about their life.I just want to be there.I just want to be a mom.I’m pretty sure there are many parents who are feeling the same way I am.I am also certain that there are many non-parents who feel the same way and this has caused them to delay being parents.I am also certain that we will not be our parents or guardian’s short coming if we learn from what we lacked and take parenting seriously.Thanks for listening , guys.

Disclaimer: This post was not intended to bash or embarrass my mom, but rather share my truth.I will always love my mom.There are many things I can praise her for, but there are many more things that have caused detrimental emotional damage to me and I choose not to ignore it, wish it away, or pray it away.These are real feelings that I am choosing to address.This is my life and my story.-Respectfully ,LaNatria (bomb bitch)

 

 

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